year 43…the day was headed in a fantastic direction
and no, I was not dazed and confused
(insert movie r
to have a day with no agenda
no schedule
no to do list
just a girls’ day…
of reconnection
of favorite people
of the best of the friend
with a great breakfast
laughs
a hangry 3-year-old
pieces of the puzzle and bargains galore
story time and literary treasures
rounded out by frozen delights
alright, alright, alright…
the day was really fantastic
no snow covering the ground
no impending cancellations
politics
bravery
dreams
conversations with ease and no segues
this post has been influenced by recent events. this post has been brewing inside of me. this post is dedicated to those who are asking the tough questions, the questions that seem to have no answers. this post is for you.
“When you encounter rough patches along your life-journey, trust that My Light is still shining upon you. My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual Presence with you is an absolute promise.” – Sarah Young, Jesus Calling
today’s emotions could have been hijacked…
today’s thoughts might have been clouded…
today’s actions could have been damaging…
today
was
changed
yesterday.
yesterday…prayers were whispered
yesterday…the course of a little life was set right by the banging of a gavel
yesterday…the crawling skin was soothed by mere words
yesterday…the nerves and the fear were calmed —- for today.
yesterday…God was seen as benevolent and loving and merciful.
but what if…
what if the outcome had been different?
what if the sound of that gavel leveled a different course?
what if the fear was coupled with sadness and grief?
what if that happened yesterday?
what would my (our) response be today?
this is not a new pondering for me…but one that is nagging at my soul
not often, if ever, do I hear us (the Christian community) praise God in the middle of a really crappy time…
it is not often that I hear “Praise the Lord” when our fervent prayers are answered in unfavorable ways…
or when “bad things happen to good people”…
does that mean that God is not present, or involved,
or maybe he has turned a deaf ear to my request
or maybe I didn’t pray “correctly?
or maybe I am not worthy enough to have a prayer answered
or maybe I needed to pray more
or maybe
I. really. don’t. understand. God. at. all.
what if those things were actually true??
why pray at all?
can I change the mind of God?
does my little, barely uttered, whisper of a prayer even matter?
does the God of the universe hear me?
what if
what if
what if…
(anxiety, my friends, establishes its roots in the fertile, well-watered soil of the ‘what-if’)
I probably ask enough what-ifs to feed, water, and even provide sunlight for some of the most harvest-rich fields there are.
what if I only praised God, or gave Him credit when everything made sense?
when I understood and
when the road was clear.
what happens when it is dark,
and scary,
and things are hidden and obscured?
what then?
do I praise God,
or blame Him.
what if I have way too many questions
and a shortage of solutions?
so, how do I find answers?
by asking the question.
by sitting in it.
by exploring it.
by knowing it.
by smelling it.
by hearing it.
by tasting it.
by touching it.
so how do I know who God is?
by asking Him.
by sitting with Him.
by exploring Him.
by knowing Him.
by recognizing His scent.
by hearing His voice.
by tasting His sweetness.
by touching those things, those people whom He has touched.
what if
things don’t turn out according to how I think they should
or dare I say
according to how I think God’s will looks?
what then?
can I still have confidence
in Him
in His plan
in His will
in His purpose?
can I truly?
honestly, I ask that question.
I sit with that
and sometimes, so that I don’t have to move from my spot
I don’t let go of it.
that view of God –
the one where He is out-of-reach
and removed from my life
becomes the lens through which I view everything.
it magnifies the problem
and distorts the truth.
and
that.is.all.I.see.
but
what if
the lens of grace
is so close to the problem
that is just simply enhances the inconsistencies and the blemishes
what if
the lens of grace
is so close to the truth
that I can simply see truth more clearly, more completely.
what if
the dark
actually illuminates answers?
what if
what I think, feel, and do today
is influenced by yesterday
and I
choose to,
am almost compelled to,
act in such a way that is
relevant and congruent
with very nature of God himself.
what if
that is why I praise
what if
that is why I question
today marks Day 14 that my aunt Betty has been in the hospital.
she has spent the past 2 years in a nursing facility suffering with dementia
but there is something
unknown to everyone at this time
that is shutting her down
fourteen days of decline
fourteen days of exhaustion
fourteen days of just watching her sleep
fourteen days of wondering ‘is this the day?’
of course I remember Betty…much like in this picture
full of life
on the go
dedicated
caring
a great cookie baker
headstrong
stubborn
loving…
and now I see Betty…
asleep
not knowing where she is or who we are
asking me to put her shoes on
telling me I am valuable
saying she feels safe
saying she’s ready to go…
afraid at times
not really eating
and all the while
still singing in her sleep…
“though none go with me, still I will follow”
“and He walks with me, and He talks with me…”
“glory, glory hallelujah”
“praise ye the Lord, hallelujah”
oh, the conversations she must have when no one can see
talking with God
chatting it up with her mom and dad
visiting with aunts and uncles
her brother
her sister Esther
and my mom, her sister…
the reality is that she is moving on to better
a sound mind
a healthy body
surrounded by love
+33 is the code for international direct-dial phone calls to France
Jesus performed 33 miracles
Jesus died at the age of 33 in 33 A.D.
the numerical equivalent of AMEN: 1+13+5+14=33
thirty-three
the number after 32 and before 34
and also the new number my best friend is receiving today…the day of her birth! 33
Happy Birthday, my friend!!
it’s all about you today…
we’ve had our share of ups and downs
of heartache and celebration
of questioning and searching
of cuisine nights
of needed separation
of prayer for each other
of solid support
of fierce loyalty
of smothering (on my part) and uncovering the new
of unending grace
of love – pure and simple
my heart bursts with pride for her…of the woman she is and is becoming
of the risks she takes
of her commitment
of her obedience
I am proud of the mother she is growing into…the hole in her heart is truly going to be filled with a precious little one…God has picked she and Jason for the perfect little one who needs
safety
compassion
love
mercy
grace
peace
kindness
gentleness
all of that is in God’s hands…and that is what we have to cling to
His perfect timing
His strong hands holding us tight
thirty-three
is also the perfect age for change and challenge
thirty-three
is just right for renewed commitment
thirty-three
is ideal for you….because this is your birthday
thank you Rachel and David for raising a strong, beautiful young woman…
thank you Jason for loving her deeply
thank you Kristine for being my friend…
it wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t have a song to go with this….so, I am pulling from my plethora of tunes and revisiting a Fernando Ortega ballad
Take heart my friend, we can walk together
And if our burdens become too great
We can hold up and help one another
In God’s love, in God’s grace
I remember Spam. fried spam. spam sandwiches with mustard…really. i ate it. weird, i know.
but lately, i’ve been thinking about things. and today, i checked my e-mail, and there were messages in this folder named “spam”.
spam – disruptive messages…
and that is exactly what they are – disruptive…to my thoughts, to my convictions, to the very core of who i am. vulgar. junk. needing to be emptied.
then, i started thinking of the ‘spam’ that i allow to pass through to my own personal inbox, to my heart and mind.
the junk. the negativity. the lies. the things that chip away at who i am.
the building blocks for the walls that i build. the walls that keep people (and God) out, and me in – a place where i think it’s safe. inside. with my own thoughts, insecurities, and the “noise” of those things.
questions plague me….
why the senseless events of late in this country?
spam.
what can i do to stop my friends from deep, tragic pain?
spam.
how can the things that you believe are so true and so real turn out so drastically different and carry so much devastation?
spam…disruptive.
this…this is my life?
spam.
my personal ‘inbox’ has been pretty empty lately.
my fault.
the good i know i need to do, i haven’t been doing…i’ve been avoiding actually.
my life, as of late, has been spam filled.
i have neglected to invest in my spam guard and spam blocker.
i know that Jesus is the only one whose voice i need to listen to. i know His voice. and when i do not invest daily, moment by moment, in Him….spam!
with the new year dawning…it is a good time for me to re-evaluate my life.
to rediscover who i am.
words. they hold a lot of power. with them we can build up and tear down. comfort and injure. heal and destroy.
growing up as a Christian, i’ve learned the language of Christianity well…i can orate and conversate with the fluidity of grace and mercy, always trying to make sense of the things that don’t.
to those of you with whom i have demonstrated this ‘churchy’ language, i am sincerely sorry.
when the language that is familiar and in which i am fluent is suddenly thrust onto me and my cruddy situation, it sounds different.
as Lysa Terkeurst recently wrote: “God certainly doesn’t need people like me – with limited perspectives, limited understanding, and limited depth – trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense.
Is there a place for God’s truth in all this? Absolutely. But we must, must, must let God direct us. In His time. In His way. In His love.”
i am still a firm believer that my ultimate goal is to point others to Christ, always.
the choice of the words i use is up to me.
God help me.
I remember Spam. fried spam. spam sandwiches with mustard…really. i ate it. weird, i know.
bitsofbetsy 