on becoming…

http://www.corawen.com

photo found at http://www.corawen.com

 

“God does not change, but He uses change—to change us. He sends us on journeys that bring us to the end of ourselves. We often feel out of control, yet if we embrace His leading, we may find ourselves on the ride of our lives.”- Jen Hatmaker

 

I’ve been feeling at the end of myself as of late.
exhausted
apathetic
incompetent
unworthy
lost
confused.

I feel change coming.

I am still journeying with grad school…
I am still in the same job, doing the same things, day after day.
and yet I can feel, I sense, change.

and with that, I am a bit afraid
of the unknown
of the future
of the present

Guilt and shame cloud my thoughts…
Fear and doubt consume my actions…
Anxiety rears its ugly head and sabotages my emotions…

——————————————————————

I started this entry 5 months ago…but didn’t finish because it just didn’t feel complete

Guilt and shame cloud my thoughts…
Fear and doubt consume my actions…
Anxiety rears its ugly head and sabotages my emotions…

those words are so true, so close, so real to me…

the struggle is real.
the loss is palpable.

all around
people are hurting
people are sad
people are confused and exhausted
ashamed and feeling alone

all around
change is happening…
the thoughts we have believed about ourselves
are being challenged
are being digested
are being transformed

like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon
struggle happens
perseverance is cultivated
resiliency is shaped
the old becomes new

“the greater the struggle the more glorious the triumph” – Nick Vujicic

trust the process.

change is a four-letter word
harsh
abrasive
out-of-place
and yet
necessary.

staying the same becomes
mundane
redundant
empty.

when does that moment of transformation happen?
perhaps when denial and shame
disappear like words on spy paper
and peace and trust become entangled
in a beautiful pattern

change is necessary
change is hard
change is redemptive
change is grace.

change is grace…

 

 

the completion of this entry has been inspired by the following short film

The Butterfly Circus

 

 

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