the mess of life and loss

oh the mess…
heartbreaking
glorious
ugly
beautiful
filthy
spotless
foul
sweet
full of shame
full of hope and redemption…

the mess of life…
the mess of loss.

kind of the same description, right?

this has been a difficult week…
to just scratch the surface

life was moving along

new changes
new purpose
beginnings
“endings”

then
it
all
came
to
an
abrupt
halt

with these 2 words

“Mary’s dead”

what?!
oh my goodness!
shit!

all of those.

my Aunt Mary was found
dead in her home

alone

did she suffer?
was she afraid?
did she cry out for help?

these are thoughts I have

coupled with

why didn’t I call her
why didn’t I help her with the severe attachment she had to things
what if I had checked on her
what if I had cared more
what if I stopped on my way home from work
what if
what if
what if

yes.
I know.
I will drive myself crazy with the “what-ifs”
she chose to be fiercely independent
I couldn’t change that

yes.
I know.

Mary lived a life that was focused –
on God, on her church, on her family

she loved God
she served God
she was selfless
she was obedient
she was always a student
she was a teacher to the core
she valued things that others wouldn’t
she loved her family
she gave the most unique gifts…

at Christmas
at Easter
on Father’s Day
on Mother’s Day
on St. Patrick’s Day
on the second Tuesday of the week
🙂

she just simply gave.

even knowing all of those things
the “what-ifs” still linger

the mess of life

and all that encompasses

the mess of loss

and wow…all that means

and those who are left have to sift through
and sort
and name
and rebuild

it’s going to take a minute.

a long minute

I am not sure if Mary had a notion that her days on this earth were coming to an end
but….
she had posted lyrics from “What a Day that Will Be”
on her Facebook page

yes, she was somewhat tech-savvy
(that is on days when she didn’t call me to tell me that she broke her computer)

just a couple of months ago

There’s coming a day
When my Savior’s face I see
When I look beyond the sky
To the one who died for me
He’ll take me by the hand
And lead me to the promised land
What a day, glorious day that will be.

premonition?
we’ll never know

but she is basking in that land
safe
surrounded by love
no pain

and living mess-free.

hope and grace.

 

 

 

 

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earlier bits

September 2017
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