i turn to You

When I’m far away from Home
And the cold wind starts to blow
When I’m empty and alone
I turn to you

When there’s hardness in my heart
And I can’t see the truth
And I’m wandering in the dark
I turn to you

And here in your Holy Presence
It’s all that I can do
I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
What else can I do Jesus?
I turn to you

For the faith to move ahead
And to let go of the past
And to see me as you do
I turn to you

And here in your Holy Presence
It’s all that I can do
I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
What else can I do Jesus?
I turn to you

You alone are worthy
The one and only God
The Ruler of the Nations
Father of my heart

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
What else can I do Jesus?
I turn to you

Help me turn to you
Help me turn to you
Help me turn to you
I turn to you. – Selah

panting for grace.

restless

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens
Rising to Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I’m restless I’m restless
‘Til I rest in You (Oh God I wanna rest in You)

Oh speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me
Whisper in the dark
‘Cause I know You’re more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless
Tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart

Still my heart
Hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow Let it rise
Into a shout Into a cry
I am restless until I rest in You – Audrey Assad

suffocating

just. can’t. breathe.
……….
gasping for air.  smothered.  stifled.
overwhelmed.  silenced.

extreme sudden change.  two sick parents.  hospitals.  back and forth.  recovery for one, more heartache for the other.

because this is my blog, i will be sharing from my point of view.  that doesn’t mean i don’t take in to consideration the feelings and emotions of my parents or other family members.

this journey began almost 2 months ago now.  sudden.  one day my dad was at home doing his thing and then BAM! he’s dealing with an unknown source of bleeding.  who knew it would lead to quadruple by-pass surgery and an impeding colon surgery.

who knew that on her 74th birthday, my mom would have 2 mini strokes.  her right leg has no functional movement at this moment.  so as she is in the hospital for rehab therapy, her kidneys, which were already not effectively functioning, start to get progressively worse.  as a result of the kidney issue, she has congestive heart failure.  she is literally drowning from the inside.

suffocating.

i wonder what it’s all about.  i wonder what the lesson is.  i wonder….

add layer on layer on layer…
selfish?  maybe it is.  but, i’ve spent the majority of my life not being honest, truly honest about my feelings and emotions.
suffocating.
layer on layer of “i’m fine” and “i’m doing ok” when on the inside i’m falling apart, and being silenced.

We aren’t meant to put on a coat of wax to shine for the world. God can handle our grit. Our mess. He knows how to deal with it in a way that brings healing and even reveals beauty. – Holley Gerth

i feel stifled by the new responsibilities that have fallen in my lap.
but, i read this quote yesterday and started thinking that maybe the feelings of suffocation are partly self-induced.

my grit. my stuff.  i clean it up, only to still feel the abrasions and grime.
so, it’s easier to wax it – to shine it up and ignore it.
my mess.  my garbage.  i clean it up, only to still see the chaos.
so, it’s easier to wax it – to shine it up and ignore it.

wax it.  shine it.  stifle the feelings.  smother the self-condemnation.  suffocate the emotions until they are silenced.
*sigh*

not until i am stripped layer by layer by layer of the crud, the mess, the garbage will my life truly be a thing of beauty…with the scars and the wounds and the hurt, the “i’m not ok” and the “i’m not fine”…

not until my hurt meets the Healer.

I will breathe My Spirit into you, and you will be alive once again. – Ezekiel 37:5 (the Voice)

Jesus, the layers have been polished and are thick.  As You are peeling back and exposing the crud, help me to trust You.  Help me to fully rely on You.  Help me to turn away from what I think I know and turn to You.  Take my brokenness and make something beautiful.
gasping for grace…

when mercy found me

…in one moment everything changed – when Mercy found me.

 

craving grace.

steady my heart

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right

Sometimes it just hurts so much
But You’re here
You’re real I know
I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart

I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What’s good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
You’re my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart

Steady My Heart, by Kari Jobe

for freedom


seeking grace and freedom.

earlier bits

July 2012
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