do it scared

scaresdo. it. scared.

the thing that terrifies you.
taking that first step.
letting go of control.

do it
even if you
do it scared.

what’s the worst that can happen?
someone saying “no”?

those things aren’t so bad, are they?
we’ve lived through them before…


courage, not so much as in the absence of fear
but courage in spite of fear, even because of fear

as John Wayne (not my dad) said: “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”


do it…
that dream, that little crumb of an idea

apply to grad school…
if you never try you’ll never know
(my application is submitted, by the way)

grow into who you were made to be…
you are never to old to set another goal, or dream a new dream. – c.s.lewis

if you wait for the perfect conditions, you’ll never get anything done.
do it now.
what have you got to lose, really?
more importantly….look what you have to gain!!

not feeling stuck
new possibilities
making a difference
being a part of something bigger than you are

take that risk.
trust in the Author of your life.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

put on your Big Boots


“When you see someone putting on his Big Boots, you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen.” – Winnie the Pooh

each step with grace…

presto chango

David Copperfield
Siegfried and Roy
Penn and Teller
Bullwinkle – “hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat”
famous…or not so famous…magicians


presto chango

the illusions…
the sleight of hand…
the mystery…

(*note: I am taking a little theological freedom with this thought)  – just warning you!

I think we can add one more name to the list of famous magicians…
no, He won’t be pulling anything out of a top hat
or waving a magic wand
or sawing someone in half
or pulling a quarter from your ear


is quite a transformation expert, isn’t He?


sometimes, that’s all the explanation that can be given

how dry bones dance?
how sin is forgotten?
how we enter this world?
how the ordinary are used extraordinarily?
how we can love each other?


envelops, enfolds we who are burdened with great sorrow and despair
the brokenhearted

frees those who are in bondage

releases us (prisoners) from our darkness – our guilt, shame, disgust, the hidden places

has compassion and relieves our grief and our yearning

transforms our ashes, the things that we think aren’t worth anything into beauty

turns our anguish into delight

clothes us with hopefulness instead of pain

(see Isaiah 61:1-3)




for a long time, I thought that if my life didn’t change *POOF*
immediately, I was doing something wrong
not saying the right words
not praying in the right sequence
not reading the Bible enough
not trusting enough
not doing enough
is enough

God is all about the process of transformation
He is all about the changing of the heart

He is all about Jesus

but, that doesn’t mean that *POOF*
we don’t have any responsibility or action

it’s all part of the magic!

the process
the journey
the growth
the maturity

easily, God could just have butterflies appear
here is a beautiful butterfly…and here is another…and another

instead, there is a process
a caterpillar (not the most beautiful creature)…some ashes
that goes through a rather grueling process, if you think about it
to change, to metamorphose (big word, I know)
into beauty
—not exactly a glamorous processmetamorphosis-of-butterflies7


presto chango…so much easier, right??

but the end result…
the freedom
the trust
the joy
the comfort
the beauty

would all be lost without the progress of the transformation
the mystery that encompasses the process would be known
the result would be less meaningful – don’t you think?

I do think that sometimes I would rather God just wave a magic wand and make things happen
…but He doesn’t work that way
He chooses to work through us

presto chango!

it’s as simple and complicated as that!!

because of the magic of grace…

simply sensational

Do what God tells you. Walk in the paths he shows you… – 1 Kings 2:3 (MSG)

truly blind faith.
believing, trusting without the use of the senses…

…not seeing, feeling, touching, smelling, or hearing
do what God says…walk in the way He shows you.

did I mention scary??

we all have a story.
we are all on a journey.
similar as they may be, each one of us is unique in the specifics of that tale.

these last few months have been a time of stretching, and maturing, and hurting, and pain
and triumph, and realization, and “aha” moments, and understanding, and acceptance

as I am looking back at the story of my life so far, I am seeing the pieces fitting together…
(isn’t it neat and totally God when that happens?)
there are things I do not understand or get…
but apparently I am not supposed to…yet

“I don’t think the way you think.
The way you work isn’t the way I work.”
– Isaiah 55:8 (MSG)

although the pieces are forming a bigger picture, there are fragments that are still “floating” out there
…at least from my limited perspective

as I look ahead (which is new for me), I look with hopeful expectation (again, new for me)

do you ever hesitate thinking that things could actually fall into place?
that this could really happen?

blind faith.
true faith.

for decades, I have thought: “God’s in control, so whatever He wants to happen will happen.”
and although I still believe that, I am taking a more active role in the scenario also known as my life

active instead of passive
engaging instead of indifferent

it’s a journey, that’s for sure!
almost learning to walk again…

to become reacquainted with my senses…Simply-Sensational-Truffles-54018
to truly “taste and see” that God is good – Psalm 34:8
to touch, to be able to feel the exhaustive (all-out) grace of God – Ephesians 1:7-8
to hear His still small voice saying “this is the way, go here” – Isaiah 30:21
to see a tiny bit of God’s hope-filled plan for me – Jeremiah 29:11
to smell like Christ – 2 Corinthians 2:15

being obedient…yikes! right?
what is God going to ask of me?

but…it’s kind of like this:
the Spirit of God becomes alive in us
He lives in and through us
our actions – His fruit growing because of that Life
are simply a response

obedience as a response to Him
trusting because we have protection and freedom through Him, because of Him
loving only because He lives in us and consumes every cell of who we are
as I eagerly, cautiously, nervously
enter this next phase of my life
I do so
with full knowledge, with absolute trust
that freedom and protection are surrounding me
at that, my friends
simply sensational!!

consumed by grace…

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours


in my sights


scorching hot sun
target acquired
my hand gripped the gun tightly
sights lined up
sweat dripping
trigger gently squeezed

almost 100 rounds later, (I think), and a couple of shots fired from revolvers…my first venture on a shooting range was complete

guns are truly to be respected

the power
the damage
the exhilaration
the release

(I noticed I was holding my breath with every magazine I emptied…I’ve got to remember to breathe!)

for me, the mechanics, the logistics of shooting took a back seat to the experience
I was totally aware of safety and being cautious, but the need for perfection and fear of not doing it right was not even present

(HUGE step for me…)

I was fully present
almost feeling instead of thinking…

it was after this experience that the demolished wall in myself was truly real to me
I wasn’t stuck in my head
I wasn’t careless
I was present…both feeling and thinking
a moment of true freedom

will I do things differently next time?
most likely.
I was so focused on the paper target and the “bad guy” that I lost all sense of lining up the sights
I was focused on something other than what was right in front of me
I didn’t even notice the sights…just where I was aiming


how often I do that everyday!!
I focus on where I am aiming….
the better job
the better future
not being alone
trying new things
growing and stretching….
don’t even notice the sights
the points that need to line up
listening to God
seeking God’s guidance
searching for God’s direction
reading God’s word

although I hit the target…at least 90% of the time….
the results could have been
more accurate
more in line
my attempt could have been
more intentional
more focused

the outcome was not bad
not even off the mark
but, just think…
with a little more precision
a little more focus
a little less haste
the end result could have been more exact

it is refreshing to know….
that even though I rush
I don’t focus
I get caught up in the process of life

God still uses my efforts to bring about change and reconciliation
I do have to recognize Him
and open my hands to His direction
and focus on His intentions
…put Him in my sights

I am learning that perfection is NOT what God desires
He desires obedience and humbleness and to walk with Him

Once again, you’ll trust in the presence of hope;
you’ll scan the horizon and sleep safely. – Job 11:18 (the Voice)

and with the smell of gunpowder fresh in my nostrils…
grace has been discharged.

firing grace….

the facade

the illusion of something…deception
a façade



it appeared so real….so genuine…so true
a wall of protection

“Real is what you believe, even if what you believe does not exist.” – William Paul Young, Crossroads

I believed it was real
but…what was “real” did not exist – it was a façade
a deception…an illusion

the wall that I have built around my heart, around my emotions
in an attempt to protect them and keep them safe
….it does not exist

oh…my head created it and it was real to me, because I believed it existed

I have been living in this
for way too long.

and in the process, the very long and arduous process
of keeping my
head and
I have missed out on so much!

the full life that has been promised to me, to us, has been nothing more than a concept to me
my head fully believed it
well, believed it for you…
and now..
now that I am aware that the wall of separation and division has been
a fake
the possibilities of abundance are endless!!

The thief approaches with malicious intent, looking to steal, slaughter, and destroy; I came to give life with joy and abundance. – John 10:10 (the Voice)

I am learning so much about who I am…not just Whose I am.

unknowingly, I have been running from me
building facades

demolition has begun
the pieces and parts are falling away
this chiseled jar of clay is being unearthed

it scares my socks off!!
but, I know that there has to be joy in the journey…

it’s time to live with abandon!!

razing with grace…

you had me at “free”

Free Communication Weekend
Dr. Neil Clark Warren….yep, you had me at ‘free’.

new ventures
new outlook
new things to scare me to death
new territories


all of those things happened
I joined eHarmony.

yes, I know…shock of the decade!!

I kind of feel like I’m on the Bachelorette – only without all the drama and awkward situations

the thing people notice about me first is…..
my top 3 life skills are…
what sports do you enjoy playing… (LOL!)

I’ve not seriously thought about if I’d date someone:
who has children already
was of a different ethnic origin than I
who has pets (I am allergic to anything with fur)
etc, etc, etc…

well, now I am thinking about those things.

of course, having caught my attention with “free” means that I am doing all of this questioning – sight unseen
no photos (unless I update and fork out some moolah)


and no, the timing of this has not been lost on me
not only is today July 4th, Independence Day, but I also have been on this major, enlightening and revealing journey and the freedom for me just to be open myself up s…. beyond words

where will this lead?
of course to a perfect match within 24 hours
marriage by age 41
kids not long after
and life happily ever after!!

ahem…I mean
I don’t have the foggiest idea

maybe no where
maybe to the “man of my dreams” (whatever that means)

and maybe just living
trusting myself
all parts of me communicating
feeling protected
and free

who knows….maybe I will see fireworks?!Fireworks

gracefully free….

earlier bits

July 2013