waiting to exhale

lzm095

have you ever not really known you weren’t breathing properly
that you just kept inhaling
but never really letting it all out?

I witnessed an epic exhale 2 days ago.

knowing that birthing your own child is not a possibility…
{inhale}
deciding as a family to foster with the hope to adopt…
{inhale}
the classes
the information
the invasion of privacy
the lack of anonymity
the thought of “one day”
{inhale}
the prayers that seemingly stood frozen in time…
{inhale}
the call
{breathing stops}
a baby is yours
{sharp intake of breath}
…for now? for a week?  for a month?  for a year?
for forever??
{inhale}

falling in love at first sight with her
{inhale}
agonizing as she fights
pouring out endless amounts of adoration
praying
cherishing every moment that she takes breath
fostering hope in her as she struggles
tirelessly making her the center of your world
{inhale} {inhale} {inhale}

bringing her home
{inhale}
not sleeping
yawn…{inhale}
long nights
short days
being so grateful
{inhale}

an unknown future
{inhale}
heartbreak
{inhale}
compassion
frustration
buckets of tears
{inhale}

bottles
formula
diapers
bottles
formula
diapers
diapers
diapers
{inhale}

that smile
{inhale}
that giggle
{inhale}
that hair!
{inhale}

watching her grow
and explore
and figure things out
{inhale}

…could this be the last day she’s with us??
{inhale}

every day a blessing
{inhale}
a little fashionista
{inhale}
doting parents
and grandparents
and family
and friends
{inhale}

being over the moon in love
{inhale}

uncertainty
unknowing
perplexing
eagerness
amazement
anxiousness
insecurity
anger
jealousy
sensitivity
{inhale.inhale.inhale}

then the day is in sight.
the future of the rest of forever is certain.

no more
wondering
anxiety
fear
worry…

the petition has been written…
the court has ruled…

the waitingchaosfearworrydreadanxiousnessuncertaintyunknowingjealousy
isitourtimeisthisourlittlegirlforever
isshegoingtobeokay
whatnowwhat’snext
dowehavetogiveherback
willtheytakeheraway
panic
is.finally.over

the wait is over
it
is
time
to

{EXHALE}

her name is changed
she is yours forever
Gabrielle Grace Tennant
is the strongest
most beautiful
resilient
and smart little Peanut

she is loved and adored and cherished.
and God has chosen the best parents
to give her
God has chosen the best Gabby to give to you.

to the Tennants, now plus one….
all my love, betsy

as time goes by

as time goes by“But there is something about Time. The sun rises and sets. The stars swing slowly across the sky and fade. Clouds fill with rain and snow, empty themselves, and fill again. The moon is born, and dies, and is reborn. Around millions of clocks swing hour hands, and minute hands, and second hands. Around goes the continual circle of the notes of the scale. Around goes the circle of night and day, the circle of weeks forever revolving, and of months, and of years.”
— Madeleine L’Engle

i wonder if it seems like 730 days to her…
i wonder if time stands still when you are in the presence of God…
i wonder if she witnessed the birth of her great grandchild…
i wonder if…

2 years seems like a long time…
2 years…
she’s been gone for 2 years.
but i remember it like it was yesterday –
the weeks and months leading up
the moments before
the final breath.

as time goes on…
life goes on.
new life.
new beginnings.
heartaches.
triumphs.
those “finally” moments.
the ordinary, day-to-day happenings…
everything continues.

“Grief does not change you…it reveals you.”  – John Green

as time goes on…
exploring
investigating
searching
learning
becoming…

as i sit here writing this, i wonder why it took grief in my own life to begin the process of revealing who i am…
as i sit here writing this, i am torn – missing my mom and at the same time thankful that her passing was the catalyst for me pursuing what i am convinced i was made to do…
at that thought, i just let out a sigh.

time goes on.

“If you haven’t already, you will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and you never completely get over the loss of a deeply beloved person. But this is also good news. The person lives forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through, and you learn to dance with the banged-up heart.”                 – Anne Lamott

as time goes by…
mended by grace…

 

earlier bits

February 2015
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