gone with the wind

 

 

 

memories…
people…
faces…
names…
identity…
what she ate for (any given meal)…
family…
likes…
dislikes…
favorites…
sisters…
mother…
father…

all
gone…
like a falling leaf
blown away by the wind.

are they in there somewhere?
does she understand the question?
does she know the answer but can’t get it out?

does she really know who she is?

does she even know me?

the fascinating
horrible
sad
heartbreaking
disease
of
dementia.

my aunt Betty has been suffering from this disease
for the past 2 years
(that we know about)

where is Betty?
who is the lady staring a hole through me?
what is going on in her head?

is she confused
frustrated
happy
sad
irritated
really hurting
having conversations with us
remembering moments
aging backwards???

while visiting her yesterday,
as she was eating her ice cream
(oh my, she loves ice cream!!),
she thought I was my mom
she didn’t know my dad
and she really didn’t seem to¬†comprehend much…
but
she was bright-eyed
and smiling
and looked happy.

is that enough?
is that enough for me?

could it be that I looked just like my mom (Ruth)
at the age she is in her head…
that she wouldn’t know me, or my dad – to her, we didn’t exist yet

the memories she had of us were gone with the wind…

the disease has a strangle hold on her mind…
everything seems to be dust in the wind.

today
what happened yesterday –
the ice cream
the visit
the conversation
the smiles
the pondering
the recognizing (or lack thereof)
is gone…

dust in the wind…

all
gone with the wind.

and so…
as our lives continue
our losses, our loves, our triumphs, our heartaches…
does life go anywhere for those with dementia?

lots of what ifs
and I wonder whys…
unanswerable questions…

Life is fleeting; it just slips through your fingers. All vanishes like mist. – Ecclesiastes 12:8 (the Voice)

on the winds of grace…

 

 

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earlier bits

June 2014
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