exhale

balloon-pile

do you ever feel like a balloon?

…let me explain (if I can)
and use your imaginations, ok?

imagine yourself as the material of the balloon…expandable, flexible, able to be filled
something happens…
you take a breath.
filling the balloon a little.
another event
another breath
more volume to the balloon

now, you don’t actually realize that you are filling said balloon with anything…
but over the days, weeks, months, years..
the balloon grows and grows…
on the verge of explosion.
then…
a pivotal release happens.
the balloon does not burst, as it has many times before – not allowing the stuff inside to be adequately dealt with
but this time…
you exhale.

all of the stuff doesn’t come out of the balloon at once…
healing takes time…
and many respirations.

but this time
the thing that happened decades ago
the wound that was seemingly healed
the toxic air that was taking up too much valuable space
was exhaled.

the prayer that was whispered…
“take the sting away”
was answered….

the wound was uncovered…
only to find that it never really formed a scab.
it was fresh
it was meaty
it was raw
it was sensitive
it was old.

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us – Tenth Avenue North, Healing Begins

funny how God works…
He shows us places in us that we didn’t realize were broken
and then…
they are brought into the light…
the breath that we took so many years ago is suffocating us…
His light invades and there is no room for the toxicity of the hurt and the pain
we exhale

I am not naïve enough to write that this is the end of the struggle…
that the wound is gone
but, I do know that with the absolute grace of God
the sting is gone.

I am speaking of my own hurt, my own sting, my own crud
horrible things happen to wonderful people, and for that, I do not even try to give a balloon answer
please do not misinterpret this

my own struggle with depression
and unworthiness
and loneliness
and feelings of being forgotten
and of suicide…are what were taking up way too much room in my balloon

I shared these struggles with a group of people for the first time in 20 years the other day
previous references were vague and blurred and protected
apparently I was hanging on to them…
(and that is probably a whole post in itself)

by putting words to what was taking up space in my balloon
and letting the lethal air escape
grace entered in

so, get a balloon
blow into it the crud in your life that needs healing
that you are totally ready to have healed
and fill it just to the brink of bursting
(that’s how you feel anyway, right?)
and then invite God’s grace to collide with that situation
and exhale
deflate the balloon

and allow the healing to begin.


colliding with grace…

 

 

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earlier bits

February 2014
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