suffocating

just. can’t. breathe.
……….
gasping for air.  smothered.  stifled.
overwhelmed.  silenced.

extreme sudden change.  two sick parents.  hospitals.  back and forth.  recovery for one, more heartache for the other.

because this is my blog, i will be sharing from my point of view.  that doesn’t mean i don’t take in to consideration the feelings and emotions of my parents or other family members.

this journey began almost 2 months ago now.  sudden.  one day my dad was at home doing his thing and then BAM! he’s dealing with an unknown source of bleeding.  who knew it would lead to quadruple by-pass surgery and an impeding colon surgery.

who knew that on her 74th birthday, my mom would have 2 mini strokes.  her right leg has no functional movement at this moment.  so as she is in the hospital for rehab therapy, her kidneys, which were already not effectively functioning, start to get progressively worse.  as a result of the kidney issue, she has congestive heart failure.  she is literally drowning from the inside.

suffocating.

i wonder what it’s all about.  i wonder what the lesson is.  i wonder….

add layer on layer on layer…
selfish?  maybe it is.  but, i’ve spent the majority of my life not being honest, truly honest about my feelings and emotions.
suffocating.
layer on layer of “i’m fine” and “i’m doing ok” when on the inside i’m falling apart, and being silenced.

We aren’t meant to put on a coat of wax to shine for the world. God can handle our grit. Our mess. He knows how to deal with it in a way that brings healing and even reveals beauty. – Holley Gerth

i feel stifled by the new responsibilities that have fallen in my lap.
but, i read this quote yesterday and started thinking that maybe the feelings of suffocation are partly self-induced.

my grit. my stuff.  i clean it up, only to still feel the abrasions and grime.
so, it’s easier to wax it – to shine it up and ignore it.
my mess.  my garbage.  i clean it up, only to still see the chaos.
so, it’s easier to wax it – to shine it up and ignore it.

wax it.  shine it.  stifle the feelings.  smother the self-condemnation.  suffocate the emotions until they are silenced.
*sigh*

not until i am stripped layer by layer by layer of the crud, the mess, the garbage will my life truly be a thing of beauty…with the scars and the wounds and the hurt, the “i’m not ok” and the “i’m not fine”…

not until my hurt meets the Healer.

I will breathe My Spirit into you, and you will be alive once again. – Ezekiel 37:5 (the Voice)

Jesus, the layers have been polished and are thick.  As You are peeling back and exposing the crud, help me to trust You.  Help me to fully rely on You.  Help me to turn away from what I think I know and turn to You.  Take my brokenness and make something beautiful.
gasping for grace…

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earlier bits

July 2012
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